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The Key Elements Of A Breakthrough

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I found myself not wanting to write or blog or post today. I mean, I did want to post because it’s Thursday and I’m committed to healing through sharing and it’s my thing–but I didn’t want to go there.

“Go where?” you may ask. Here:

Of Heart Fires & Brain Wires

Have you ever had such a distaste for someone that it ruins your entire mood for a whole damn week (or so)? Yeah, same.

In the last three weeks, I’ve observed my energy levels depress and my moods subtly darken. In mid-January, I enjoyed a residential visit to my California-based graduate program where a lot of worms were uncanned in the name of Carl Jung and Shamanic art. (These residentials always hold space for me to safely explore my own sacredness and collective divinity through scholarship, art, and connectedness.) I left CA feeling raw and uncomfortable but excited to wear my freshly molted skin. When I touched down at EWR, I didn’t even feel the 3 degree weather. The fire inside was blazing with glory.

I was hell-bent on nurturing the awakened sense of vulnerability the residential exposed and stayed at my boyfriend’s house for the next week.

I was keenly reluctant to go home to Her {my mother, the matriarchal narcissist}. Oh, the drama! The thought of being around her, or more precisely sharing my tenderness with her, made me real pissy. But of course, unfortunately, I couldn’t avoid her forever.

I prolonged my inevitable return home by planning a single-day trip to my sister’s house. During my travel from babe’s house to Nay’s house (sister), I fainted on the subway and awoke to a cluster of benevolent elders protectively surrounding me. Hold that thought.

Every Thursday, I have therapy. And every Thursday another layer of whacky brain circuiting seems to unravel. Today was no exception. Together my therapist and I uncovered that I suffer from Complex Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD), or Complex Trauma, a psychological disorder in which part of my psyche is trapped in fear, mistrust, and aversion due to reccurent, perpetuated interpersonal trauma (e.g. childhood abuse). Rewind.

The subway was so packed! I miscalculated rush-hour and got caught in a sardine train out of the city. I admittedly get frustrated when masses of people surround me; I always attributed my aggression to my social anxiety and suppressed “anger issues.”

I became overwhelmed by a burning sensation that overcame my entire upper body. This is the worst time to have a freaking hot flash, I thought. I stripped off my hat, my gloves, my scarf. Unbuttoned my jacket. Planted my feet firmly on the ground. Tried to focus on my breathing. But the fire kept on rising as another inkling arose, too. This has happened before, same setting, same circumstance. Maybe it’s just travel anxiety or stress. Pshh.

I brushed it off until an older male came barreling from the next cart over onto mine and stood a little too close to me. The fire inside exploded like lava; I felt engulfed by flames. I felt like I was in hell. I needed to float away. I started to see spots and then I saw nothing.

And that is how I got here.

Resistance and Resilience

What I felt at the start of this blog post was a paralyzing ineptitude to validate my unresolved pain, embedded in the part of my mind that was stuck in fear. The apprehension I’ve felt for weeks was a contrasting unwillingness to pivot my fears and flow into my truth.

Sometimes we feel weak, shattered, tired. We don’t want to deal with the reality of how deep our wounds can go. It’s too scary. It’s too much work. It’s too intense. It hurts too bad. But it is wise to listen when these excuses speak: They shed a light on our feelings of resistance.

Resistance is rooted in a fear of change. Resistance doesn’t have eyes to see that change just may be what is needed or a mind to welcome change in. Resistance is there to protect and preserve our zones of comfort, even when these zones are war-filled.

Both ignoring and surrendering to your resistance are methods of self-sabotage because where resistance ends, resiliency begins.

Resiliency can be as unconscious as resistance, but if I had to describe resiliency I’d say: Resiliency is the rush of power that drives you to charge fiercely toward your redemption, reclamation.. breakthrough.

We can all be our own worst critics which means we’re all probably a lot stronger than we may realize. It’s worth remembering all of the times you made it out of the trenches carrying a pile of golden shit as high as a blaring trumpet. A narrative filled with tales of resiliency remind our hearts that we can heal.

Becoming Aware of Resistance in order to Heal

To embrace your truths and claim your joy, pay attention to the resistances you feel without judgement. Self-dialogue can be a useful tool in understanding your areas of resistance with depth and compassion.. You can start by simply asking yourself questions like:

  • Have you ever felt this feeling of resistance before? In what context? What acts of resiliency can you recall that illustrated your strength before?
  • What is bringing up this feeling of resistance now? What’s changed (or is seeking change)? How can you let your resiliency shine through this situation?
  • How do you plan to approach your resistant feelings? What do you imagine would happen once you activate your resiliency in this situation?

Asking yourself questions as such can help you to gently challenge your resistance without emotional or psychological overwhelm. The only way to break through your resistances is to embrace them with an open heart.

Send these questions to a friend that may be in a rough spot; they may need a reminder that the breakthrough they seek lies in their brilliance.

Closing note to readers: When you’re feeling overwhelmed and stuck,, take a deep breathe and believe: On the other side of your resistance is your breakthrough.

Danny ♥️

Should I make this post a read-a-long?

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